What to Do When You’re Always the One Initiating Sex

You’re always the one reaching out, leaning in, making the move.

They never initiate—at least, not anymore.

And while you try not to take it personally, a voice inside whispers:

Are they still attracted to me?

Do they even want me?

If this dynamic feels familiar, you’re not alone.

Let’s unpack what’s really happening, why it’s more common than you think, and what you can do about it.

It’s Not Always About Desire

Not initiating doesn’t automatically mean your partner has no desire.

It might mean:

They feel emotionally disconnected or stressed
They’re struggling with body image, hormone shifts, or medication side effects
They assume you prefer to initiate and don’t want to “get it wrong”
They feel pressure to perform and freeze up

How Mismatched Initiation Affects the Relationship

Over time, one-sided initiation can lead to:

Feelings of rejection and loneliness
Anxiety or insecurity about being “too much”
Avoidance or shutdown from the initiating partner out of fear of rejection

Both sides suffer when this pattern isn’t addressed.

How to Start the Conversation (Without Blame)

Avoid statements like:

“You never want me anymore.”

“I’m tired of always starting things.”

Try:

“I miss feeling pursued by you. Can we talk about what might make that easier or more natural for both of us?”

Focus on how it feels and what you hope for, not accusations.

Create New Intimacy Routines

Sometimes couples get stuck on autopilot. Try:

Scheduling sex or intimacy check-ins (not romantic, but very real)
Creating a “both must initiate once a week” challenge
Exploring new forms of touch, play, or flirtation to reduce pressure

When It Might Be Deeper

If your partner avoids sex consistently, it may reflect deeper struggles:

Past trauma
Depression or anxiety
Resentment or unresolved conflict

These deserve compassion, and sometimes, therapy.

By shifting from blame to curiosity, you can open the door to deeper understanding and better connection.

So many couples go through seasons like this.

You don’t have to choose between silence and resentment.

If intimacy feels one-sided in your marriage, I’d love to help you rediscover safety, attraction, and mutual desire again. one-sided in your marriage, I’d love to help you rediscover safety, attraction, and mutual desire again.