If you have ever felt torn between wanting closeness yet fearing it at the same time, or if you’ve loved someone who seems to disappear emotionally when things get real, this newsletter is for you. Understanding this pattern brings freedom—not shame. And with insight comes the power to heal.

What Is Disorganized–Avoidant Attachment?
This attachment style involves a painful inner conflict:
“I crave connection… but connection feels unsafe.”

People with this pattern often grew up in environments where love and fear existed together. The very people who were supposed to provide protection may also have been sources of emotional overwhelm, unpredictability or trauma.

As adults, this can show up as:

• Wanting closeness but fearing vulnerability
• Pushing love away to feel in control
• Emotional distancing when life becomes stressful
• Difficulty trusting others’ intentions
• Feeling safest when self-reliant
• A belief that relying on someone is dangerous
• A deep longing for intimacy paired with a fear of being hurt

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s a nervous system doing its best to survive.

Common Signs of Disorganized–Avoidant Attachment

Do any of these experiences resonate?

• Feeling “too close” and suddenly withdrawing
• Wanting connection but avoiding emotional depth
• Difficulty naming or expressing feelings
• Feeling overwhelmed when others need you emotionally
• Becoming distant after conflict or intimacy
• Struggling with consistency in relationships
• Feeling unsafe when someone gets too close
• Having a strong independent identity that hides softer needs

This style often leads to a confusing pattern for both partners:
Come close… now stay away.

Where This Attachment Style Comes From

Disorganized–avoidant attachment often develops when:

• Caregivers were frightening, overwhelmed or unpredictable
• Emotional needs were dismissed or punished
• Childhood involved chaos, instability or trauma
• You never knew what version of a caregiver you were going to get
• Vulnerability led to pain, not comfort

Your brain learned:
“Closeness is dangerous. Distance is safer.”

This belief was protective then…
But it can block intimacy now.

How It Impacts Relationships

Without healing, this attachment style may lead to:

• Emotional shutdowns during conflict
• Avoiding vulnerability to prevent getting hurt
• Difficulty trusting good intentions
• Self-sufficiency as protection
• Partners feeling confused or rejected
• Quick withdrawal after emotional connection
• Inconsistent behaviour—warm one moment, distant the next
• Fear of depending on anyone

Yet deep underneath, there is often a tender desire:
“I wish connection felt safe for me.”

The Good News: Healing Is Very Possible

Your attachment style is not a prison, it’s simply a map of where you’ve been. Healing leads to a more secure, grounded way of loving.

The Healing Path Toward Secure Attachment

1. Awareness + Compassion = Safety
Understanding why you respond the way you do removes shame and brings clarity.

2. Learn to Pause Instead of Withdraw
Even one breath can shift the entire pattern.

3. Identify the Triggers
What makes closeness feel unsafe?
What causes you to pull away?

4. Build Emotional Literacy
Learning to name feelings brings calm to your nervous system.

5. Practice Safe Vulnerability
Share small pieces of your inner world with people who can be trusted.

6. Develop Co-Regulation
Let others support you emotionally slowly, gently, at your pace.

7. Rewire the Old Story
Replace: “I’m safer alone.”
With: “I am safe with the right people.”

A Powerful Reflection Exercise

Take a moment and consider:

“What would my life look like if closeness felt safe rather than threatening?”

Let that picture inspire your next steps toward healing.

A Vision of Peace and Security

Imagine five years from now…

• Feeling grounded and steady in your relationships
• Allowing people to love you without fear
• Opening up without shutting down
• Responding rather than withdrawing
• Connecting with emotional clarity
• Feeling safe both in closeness and independence
• Building relationships based on trust, not fear

This transformation is possible and deeply worth pursuing.

Final Encouragement

If disorganized, avoidant attachment resonates with you, please know this:

You are not broken.
You are not “too much” or “too distant.”
You learned patterns that protected you once…
And now you have the strength, insight, and support to build something new.

Here’s to healing the push–pull cycle, embracing emotional safety and stepping into relationships that feel calm, connected and secure.